Today, I finally attempted to give up.
Give up on what life has to offer. Give in to the temptation of ending it all, hoping that somewhere lies a better chance of being happy. Give up the feeling of happiness in exchange for living a life without pain and disappointment.
Sadly that attempt has failed. I failed at taking my life. I don’t know if this is a good thing or not – maybe the Lord has something better planned, or maybe I just fail at everything I do. What this suicide attempt has accomplished is merely a feeling of dread on how am I to tread the wheel of life next. How am I to face my recent failure – both pre-emo and post-emo deeds? How am I to face the people who matter – who have invested their life and feelings on me, only to figure out that I failed? How am I to explain that maybe, life just wasn’t meant to be?
How can you go on, when the thing you’ve banked your life upon slowly shatters? I can live with this failure if only people are there. But what happens when you have no one to turn to but yourself? People are busy, problems are miniature, life goes on, etc. IT DOES NOT OKAY? IT DOES NOT GO ON. LIFE NEVER STOPPED FOR ANYBODY. If it did why else would “moving on” exist. WHY ELSE WOULD IT FEEL THIS SHITTY. WHY WOULD WE NEED TO PROCESS LIFE WHILE PRETENDING EVERYTHING IS OKAY
Bitter, sad feelings boil inside me right now. I don’t know what to do. I am angry at the world, at society at everything for even dictating how I should behave. For dictating what is expected from me. I AM TIRED. I AM THE WEAKEST LINK. There, I admitted it. Happy that I suffer? Well go bathe on your happiness because I sure as hell am not.