Mostly watched videos today. Still can’t do anything in my contemplative state HAHA
Anyway. I thought about two things today. One is if I wanna continue writing online and second, why I want to move out of this house when I get the chance.
Part 1: This house believes that writing online is beneficial for my health.
Yesterday (or the day before yesterday since it’s 12 in the morning already), I was questioning whether I should continue this blog. It was solely based on the fear that maybe, if I continue talking to the internet and to my computer, I would lose sight of reality and lose my interactive skills because it was spent on a non living thing. This may be too far fetched but well, it has happened before.
My answer to this now is: Of course you should continue the blog you dumb slut. It is illogical to base something on what has happened before; at least life has taught me that much. Everyday is a new day, and so many things can happen during the time between now and before. Everyday should be treated as if more new things could happen and that it would not be a mere repetition of before. Sure, there would be patterns but then again, there would always be a stronger heart and a wiser mind to flip the tables for the better.
Second, I guess the main reason that I wanna continue this blog is to document how I fare as time goes on. It’s really fun actually to have a record of all your thoughts and to monitor how you grow as a person by reading what you have written over the years. Also, this baby could serve as a reminder for me when times seem harder than before. It could be my learning guide just in case the same pattern presents itself and the bitch can’t take the same old story anymore. Hi Future Me!
Long Term > Short Term Benefits
Last, this could actually be a good training ground for me. If all else fails, this could be my fallback if accounting and business become a failure. However, seeing as I’m not planning to have any opportunities for fall backs on my future career (aka I would GIVE my best to succeed), chances of being a writer are very slim. Still though, one cannot question the power that life and the universe hold. Besides, I still go to the University of Paperworks which would make practicing writing the best option right now.
Part 2: This house believes that it is beneficial to move out of the house when the opportunity comes.
I have been wanting to get out of this house when the opportunity presents itself. Don’t get me wrong, I love my family. I love them to bits and pieces… But sometimes, living with them gets a little overwhelming to say the least. I want my freedom, to decide how I do things, what I do and when I do it. My “right time” is very different from their own perspective and the “right thing” often clashes with theirs. I’m tired of fights, and I’m tired of trying to defend myself every single time. I just wanna have fun in my own home where I can TRULY be myself without anyone contradicting it.
I hate people imposing on me their beliefs just because they can. I hate that I have to think of everyone else before I can decide on something that’s truly beneficial. I hate being accused all the time for something I did not do or something that is not entirely me. They should know me better, and yet they claim that they do not know what’s going on my mind! Well, actually, that is kinda my point. They don’t know me, ergo I must go. They do not trust me, ergo I must go. They do not think I can manage, ergo I must go. Just to prove who I really am.
I wanna be able to leave the house without so many interrogations being held. Maybe one day I would look for this kind of treatment again, but right now, I just need -well- change. Funny thing how sometime ago I was cursing change and now I am craving it. But, to be honest, this is the kind of change we all need. My mom and dad are fighting, my sister and I are getting affected and all these family drama shiz gets on my nerves. And to top it off, there exists a pattern such that mom always picks a fight with me. I mean, whaddup woman, what is your problem. And then if I try to answer or reason with her, she always tells me “you think you’re so smart” or “you never think of anyone but yourself” and other insults that I choose to forget. not true. all those stuff. I always think about them and I never ever wanted to consider myself as above others. Bit of a sore spot actually but that story’s too long it deserves its own page.
Aside from all the bitter arguments up there, there is one more thing I realized today. I realized that the main reason I want to move out is to get a fresh start. To be able to decide on how I live, while buying my own things, deciding how I decorate the house etc. This house has them written all over it. It is simply not me. Less than one fourth of the stuff around here is mine; most of it are simply their clutter. And yet every single time, I have to treat them as if they were “mine” and not in the manner with which I want to make them “mine.” For example, the ref is not mine, and yet I am responsible for it because my food comes from there (which, btw, food that they choose and not me). However, come to think of it, I cannot stuff it with all the food I like and I cannot add anything to it because technically, my mom and dad own everything in this house. I never get a say on anything because I live under their roof. I am not really free. I live on the pretense that I am absolutely free on my own home but honestly, I am only “relatively free.” More free to dress up or to look ugly inside than outside of the house. But still. That’s only a minor part of my life. There is always this alter ego inside that rages because it cannot manifest it’s true self inside this house because mom and dad says so. WTF.
I also wanna have my own private space. It is only now that I get all other teenagers’ issues on privacy. Growing up sharing a room made it a bit late, but now, seeing as my mom and dad are starting to invade our shared space (i.e. mine and my sister’s) it gets a whole lot annoying. Swear.
Despite all this, don’t get me wrong. I never NEVER EVER EVER want them gone from my life. I just want to stay away for temporary times and then come back when I miss them. That’s how I want it. With two options I can live with when the other becomes too tiresome.
In the end it’s a battle between being own independent myself & loving my family. And these are two things I can never ever split no matter how hard things are. And so, to make things more efficient, I choose to live both. When the opportunity comes.